Hello?

Things have been crazier than usual. Living in my world has been like riding a tremendous tailwind through the eye of a hurricane after being tossed around by a typhoon.

My life continues to be tilted because of my nephew’s death, but I’ve taken the steps I need to in order to get back on track. Grief is a bully and it’s staunch in its efforts to drag you under. I hate that its taken such a hold of me, but I’m fighting back. I can tell y’all this — the death of a person you’re extremely close to is not one you get over, but at some point, you’ll make it through. I’m getting there. I visited his gravesite for the first time since he’s been gone. I went on Memorial Day and it was surreal. In some ways, I think it was still too early, but I’m okay. Seeing his name on that tombstone was just…

Photo credit: Trease Shine Hinton

I’m getting myself back on schedule, but know that mourning has a way of disrupting not only your calendar, it’ll destroy your very being. I’m doing my best to get back to blogging and writing consistently, and living a good life. It’s so hard. It’s no longer about taking one day at a time for me; sometimes I strive to make it one hour at a time.

Over the past few months, I’ve had to let go of a relationship that was so toxic, it was slowly draining the life out of me. The person that I finally released from my life (for good, forever, for real) should have been a source of peace and relief; instead, he only added to my pain and grief. He was deliberate in his decision to include me in his life knowing full well there was no room for me there. He claimed an addiction to me, one that has been around for nearly 30 years. There may well be one, but what I refused to be was his 50-year old side chick. Nah.

Be careful who you let in. Selfishness is a bitch and I finally accepted the fact that I have no room in my life for anyone who is only around for selfish gain. Was it hard to let go? Yes and no. Yes, because we’ve known each other our whole lives. I once considered him my soulmate. I loved him with everything I had. He didn’t appreciate it. Therein lies the “no”. He wasn’t always an ass, but he allowed himself to be morphed into, well, an ass.

I think the poorest excuse a person can have for being bitter, angry, or any other selfish thing is that someone made them that way. No, that’s not true. You control who you are. You control how you react. After a bad relationship is over, it’s up to you to become a better person in spite of the pain. You don’t have to become the person who hurt you. I refuse to become jaded because of my past relationships. Just because they were stupid doesn’t mean that the next man will be. I will always believe in true love. I will always believe that I deserve it.

I’ve made some final decisions as to where I plan to live. I’ve also made some other decisions that require me to spread my wings and fly. It’s time to make a move.

I’m coming back, y’all. I’m coming back.

DivorceForce

Divorce happens. Divorce hurts. The process can take years to complete or it can be over in a decidedly short period of time. Mine was over in a matter of months, but the pain of the process and the aftermath was devastating for *ALL* of us.
 
I do know, however, that everything we’re allowed to survive is part of our testimony and better equips us to help others on that same path. I am honored to be a contributor to DivorceForce. On this site, you’re able to do everything from venting about your (impending) divorce, ask for advice, or give it. Head over to www.divorceforce.com.
 
Take a look at this video: https://lnkd.in/dySr2t2.

Healing the Heart

This year is winding down and I realize it’s been unkind to the large majority of my friends and family. Personally, I lost three of my beloved uncles. Two of my girlfriends lost their mothers. A couple of my friends lost children. Hearts have been shredded, sometimes, on purpose. People all over the place are having to rebuild and reset. Many of us have had to learn to go on without the people who held our hearts.

I have had to learn to “feel” again and while I’m not fully capable yet, I am getting there. I did not cry until the service for my Uncle Willie, although my Uncle JD passed away first. Those men were my rocks. They stood in for my father during the time I lived in San Francisco. Then, Jim Smith, who was married to my mom’s sister longer that I’ve been alive, passed away. My boyfriend lost his father. After a very courageous fight with cancer, he passed away in May. I felt my heart twisting during his service because there was nothing I could do to ease my man’s pain. There is a gentleness about him that I can’t explain. He is the epitome of what a man is supposed to be. His strength is both understated and highly pronounced. He’s everything I want and need.

What I’ve never lost is the capacity to love my child fully. I’ve watched him turn things around and finally get back on his feet. He stumbled in a major way, which caused him to have to sit out of college for a whole semester. While he lost time, he gained knowledge. He is a college student. He is a partying, fun-loving college student. He has friends that I know will be with and by him for a lifetime. He has maintained the friendships he developed when we first moved to Dallas. I continue to support him in his dreams. Whatever his goals are, I will be right there to help him achieve them. It’s been a long, painful road for him.

I have been blessed with a man who has known me pretty much all my life, so he knows who I was, who and what I turned into after many, many years of emotional abuse, and now, who I’m on my way to being. I lost a major part of who I am as a person in my effort to hold together a marriage that was never meant to be. I’ve been able to disclose things to him that I couldn’t reveal to anyone else. He has become more than the friend he started out being. What we have is a mature love. While it’s foreign to me, it is what holds me in place.

Regardless of the level of pain you may be feeling, I pray to God that you begin to feel His love and comfort. I pray that He envelopes you in peace. I can only speak to things I know about first-hand, so I can tell you, the darkness ends. It does. That doesn’t mean that it will be over tomorrow. It may take months. It may take years. Healing is personal and individual. It’s coming.