Depression and All Its Might

Everybody feels depression at some time or another. We all get a little down in our spirit now and then. A little depression is normal, right? No one is 100% happy, 100% of the time. Some people call it the blues. Some folks just refer to it as being down. True enough, we all feel down in the dumps from time to time; the problem is some people fall into the pit of depression and can’t find a way out. Sometimes, we cannot find our way to the surface of that deep blue. Some people are pulled under by a current that won’t let go.

 

A photo by Clem Onojeghuo. unsplash.com/photos/-YMhg0KYgVc
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo from Pexels

 

That Sinking Feeling

I’m not going by things I’ve heard. I’ve been severely depressed before. I’ve never been suicidal, but let me tell you, there have been days when it really didn’t matter if I woke up or not. I just didn’t care. Did I want to die? Nah. I would never want to leave my friends and family. My son and my granddaughter need me. If there’s one thing I know, I know my folks love me. That man loves me. He needs me.

During the time I was married, though, when the days of hell melded together, I just didn’t care. I knew that on any given day, I would likely be blamed for something. I knew that it was likely I would be belittled or made to feel inadequate in some way or another. I knew that regardless of how clean the house was, he’d find a speck of lint (because he made a point of looking for things like that). I knew that he’d head upstairs to check if the underside of the toilet lid was clean. I knew if there was a single cup in the sink, he’d stand there with his coat on and wash it because he “couldn’t stand mess”. Overall, I knew nothing I ever did would be good enough.

When It Finally Sets In

For me, deep, deep depression set in on three different occasions in my 50 years. As I said before, the first time was while I was married. The depression I experienced back then was the result of being battered mentally and emotionally. Eventually, I got professional help. I had to. To be honest, initially, I sought help for my son because I could see him spiraling out of control. I was kinda blind to what was going on in my own mind, but I knew my child needed help.

Almost from the beginning, the sessions that I had meant for my son turned into joint ones because the counselor recognized the mental and emotional beating I was taking. He actually told me that in the beginning, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to help me because I was so damaged. He thought he would have to refer me to a more experienced counselor. I was a complete mess. Like I’ve said a million times before, I didn’t realize that I was in shambles because I thought the hell I was in was normal.

Anyway, the next time I found myself down under was after the divorce. Sure enough, I had been freed from that hell, but the dissolution of my marriage also meant that for the first time in nearly 20 years, I was on my own. I found myself floating in the middle of the ocean with nothing but a life raft. Yes, my family and friends were all around me and refused to let me fall or fail, but depression can put a stranglehold on you that can’t be readily pried loose. It had me and it was suffocating me. All I wanted to do was sleep. Honestly, that’s all I did. I slept. I ate. I gained weight. I cried uncontrollably. I repeated those things day after day. The difference with that bout of depression, though, was that I was able to pull myself out. I know I would have benefited from the help of my counselor, but he was 250 miles away in Dallas, but thankfully, I was able to pull myself out.

My latest battle with depression is going on right now. It still pains me to say my nephew died. My entire world shifted on December 9, 2017. Many people who knew us have said that on that day, Margarett’s son died, but that he was my baby. He was. I was nowhere near being okay when one of my closest cousins died on January 14, 2018.

This time around, though, the depression is different. I know I won’t need professional help (although I wouldn’t hesitate to get it if I felt I needed it) this time around because I’m shrouded more in grief than anything. I’m still so stunned, I haven’t reached the point that I’ve entered the grieving stages. I’m not even at the first stage of the process which is denial because the truth is, it’s still not real to me. In my mind, neither of them are dead in the sense that I will never see them again. They’re just gone. I know that makes no sense, but neither of them is dead to me.

I know the reality will set in at some point, but as of this writing, it hasn’t. Nope, there’s nothing wrong with me — folks grieve differently and this is just my reality. I’m okay. I just need to process this stuff in my own way.

Help

 

pexels-photo-211681.jpeg
Photo credit: Photo by John-Mark Smith from Pexels

If you’re depressed, get help. If that means reaching out to your folks, CALL THEM! I know what it is to be too embarrassed to tell your story, but trust me when I tell you, your folks are there for you.

 

IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF CRISIS COUNSELING, CALL THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE AT 1.800.273.8255. Call those folks TODAY!

 

 

Advertisements

The Color of My Pain

Bereavement. Grief. Pain. Loss.

pexels-photo-568027
Photo by Kat Smith from Pexels

At 50, I’ve felt all of these things more than once. I have felt them all in varying degrees. I have experienced them all on a variety of levels. I’ve felt them all in a variety of situations.

For the most part, bereavement, grief, and pain are the things you feel after the loss of a loved one. I’ll talk about that level of loss in a few. Let me tell you how those things come into play in the mental and emotional sense.

Blood Red

 

pexels-photo-673862
Photo by it’s me neosiam from Pexels

Nineteen years of mental and emotional domestic abuse taught me to shut down, take cover, and to fight fiercely to survive. My very soul was shrouded in the bloodiest red color. Red is an extremely emotionally intense color. While it signifies passionate love, it also points to danger, anger, and violence. Those last three adjectives sum up the19 years I was married.

While the physical abuse was limited to two incidents of spousal rape, the mental and emotional trauma is what put my life in danger. I almost died of an aneurysm that was brought on by stress.

The level of perpetual anger I felt nearly drove me insane. I was mad all the time and I was mad at everybody. I was extremely angry with myself, too. I waived between being angry with my ex for abusing me and being angry with myself for allowing it to happen and for staying.

What I felt internally took the term “seeing red” to a whole new level. Red covered everything in my life.

I’m happy to say that wherever red shows up in my life today, it’s all about its representation of determination, power, strength, and energy.

Black

pexels-photo-683404
Photo by Mustafa ezz from Pexels

On December 9, 2017, my entire world went black. With the death of my nephew, Arthur, such deep darkness fell over my world that the light is just now starting to seep through. It comes through in spurts. Sometimes it stays around for days; sometimes it’s only a momentary flicker. For now, light is fleeting. Bereavement, grief, pain, and loss have enveloped me.

Most days I just go through the motions. I have to. I have a son who means the world to me. I mean the world to him. He needs me. I have a granddaughter who depends on me for all things in her tiny world. My siblings need me. So do my other nephews, nieces, friends, and family. I know they all need and love me, but things are still covered in black for me.

The murkiness left after Arthur’s death can’t be penetrated with well-wishes. It gnashes my soul. I hurt. I cry. I scream. Then there are the days I laugh, giggle, and chuckle when I think of something he did or said. The emotional roller coaster that I’m riding through the blackness is far from thrilling. I’m not in an amusement park. I feel like I’m in the valley of the shadow of death sometimes because I know that’s where he was. I always knew where he was. He always knew where I was. Now, I feel like he’s wandering around in that blackness that I can’t see through.

Is That Light I See?

I don’t know if what I see occasionally is real light or just a figment of my imagination. I want so badly for things to be normal, but in order for things to be normal, my nephew would have to be here. He can’t come back. He’ll never come back.

It was 68 days ago that he passed away. It’s only been 68 days. Some days, it feels like it’s been 20 years; some days, it feels like it just happened this morning. Some days, I see the light; some days, that darkness refuses to let any light shine through.

I will continue to grieve. I will struggle for some time to come. I will keep pushing forward because I have no choice. It’s what I have to do, but for now, I move in darkness.

Just a Girl from the Country

I was born and raised in the tiny, northwest Louisiana town of Sarepta. The population is under 1000 and my mother loved that fact.

fullsizeoutput_47da

We didn’t have running water in our home until I was 12. We got our bath water, our water for cooking, our water for drinking from the well at the end of the road. We shared that well with several families and there was never any discord because even if we weren’t related by blood, we were family. That old well is still standing though it’s not in service.

The road leading to the house that I grew up in — the house that my mom built with her own two hands and only the help of my grandfather — was dirt. That meant that I was an expert mud cake maker and I loved playing in the rain. I spent far more time running around in my bare feet than I ever did in shoes. I almost always caught more light bugs than the rest of the kids as we ran around outside after dark.

fullsizeoutput_47dc

At the end of that dirt road, across from the well, was Thomasville School. It was the only school available for black children for a long, long time so it is where my mother attended. She had to leave school before she finished the 9th grade, but the education she gained from life afforded her far more knowledge than the books she longed to read from.

fullsizeoutput_47db

Daddy loved fishing so that meant we spent a ridiculous amount of time on the bayou reeling them in. I can pull them in with the best of them. I still can. I know how to cast a reel and I know how to handle a pole. I’m not scared of worms and I have no fear of crickets. I’m just a girl from the country.

I’m simple. I don’t have to have the biggest house. I don’t have to have the grandest car. I do like really nice purses, but hey, everybody has their “thing”. Purses are mine. Anyway, I’m quite happy with a nice, little home. I’m good with a nice car that will get me from point A to point B. I intend to upgrade my wheels next year, but it will be something I can afford because material things don’t mean much in the end.

I fought coming back to Louisiana like a guerilla warrior. I didn’t want to come back here. I thought I needed the sights, sounds, and convenience of the city, but I’ve found that the quiet, the peace, and the solitude of good old Thomasville Road is good enough for me. 

My idea of the picture-perfect setting will be complete when I build my new home next year. I know Will is going to be off enjoying life on his own and living freely, but I’m okay with being in Sarepta. It took me a long time to reach this point because, in my mind, I was forced to return here. Little did I know it was a blessing in disguise. I love being a country girl.

I Miss Her

Not one day goes by that I don’t think about Cleal Shine. Whether it’s just a little snicker about something she did or said, the near-physical pain I feel sometimes when I think of the pain she, herself, was in during her final days on this side life, she crosses my mind.

It’s impossible for me to even look in the mirror without seeing her staring back at me. That worry crease between my eyes is ever-present. This hair…Lord, this hair. There’s…so…much…of…it!! In all honesty, though, I’m proud to have this head of hair because it’s so much like hers, right down to the gray she tried so hard to hide. I refuse to hide mine.ToMjGpPDRe3cSYKO8Du

I remember how dementia ravaged her mind and caused her to be so frustrated. Mama was super funny. All her life, she made fun of any- and everybody and most situations. That’s why we didn’t recognize the onset of her dementia immediately. As far back as I could remember, she played around about everything, including remembering stuff so it took us a while to absorb the fact that she really was losing her memory.

It comes to me like it was yesterday that I talked to her shortly after I relocated to the Dallas area, and she couldn’t remember whether or not she’d eaten that morning. She kept saying, “I don’t know if I ate or not.” I didn’t give it a lot of thought. It only got worse.

The first time she didn’t recognize me, I thought my heart would stop beating. I had come in one weekend to handle her household bills and when I unlocked the door, she just stared at me. I asked, “Mama, why are you looking at me like that?” She said, “I’m trying to figure out who you are. Why do you have a key to my house?” It took every fiber of my being not to cry in front of her. I didn’t do it in front of her, but when I got back in my car, I let loose. By the time I made it back to her house, she knew who I was, but I was still shaken.

In the end, I had become numb to the fact that she didn’t recognize me all the time. I was so broken to pieces by her condition overall that I had become numb. I was dealing with the breakup with the man I thought was my soulmate so the summer before I lost her was much harder than any I’ve ever lived though including the summer after my divorce was final.

The funeral remains a blur in my mind. I can’t really say it was a blur because I remember everything about it, but it was surreal. I remember seeing her for the last time in that casket. I had made all the arrangements, including choosing a dress for her and making certain that her hair was styled the way she would have wanted it. The thing that I’ve never told anyone about was my own internal fight at the cemetery.

The Burial

It had been raining the whole day and my cousin, who officiated the service, asked if we wanted to do the commitment portion of the service that would have been performed at the gravesite inside the church. Since the weather was so bad and her sisters were older, we decided that we’d do that, but several of us went to the cemetery anyway. My ex-husband, Will, Mama’s baby sister and a few others went so that we could see her lowered into the ground.

Since there was no formal commitment, the handlers went about the business of lowering her down so that water wouldn’t get in her grave. That has always bothered me. She suffered from rheumatoid arthritis so she was always cold. It was cold and wet that day. I didn’t want to leave my mama at that graveyard. I know she was dead. I know she felt nothing, but in my mind, I was concerned that she was going to be cold. That still bothers me. I know it’s unrealistic, but it bothers me.

I miss her, but I know she’s with me. I can’t wait to see her again.

She Ain’t Gon’ Let It Touch Her

My mama used to say that about me a lot. What she meant was that regardless of how mad or hurt I was, you wouldn’t know because initially, I just refused to let people know when they’d gotten under my skin. Later in life, no one would see it because any pain I felt was buried underneath so many layers of dead spirit that I didn’t even know it was there.

A very close friend of mine died the morning of September 10, 2009, after having been broadsided by a drunk driver the evening before. I had received an email from her shortly before she left work that evening and I’d never hear from her again. The day that I found out that she’d passed, I screamed and screamed and screamed. That wasn’t a good thing because I was recovering from the aneurysm I’d had in July. The sad thing though, is that I didn’t cry again for any reason until December 2011 when I was told that the man who had killed her was only sentenced to 12 years in prison. My heart was broken because she was out of our lives forever; he would get to go home at some point. He should have gotten life.

The next time I shed a tear was in November 2012 when that man came in and said he wanted a divorce. Y’all know the story — the tears did not flow because I was getting divorced; they fell because he had been an incredible jerk in his timing. He absolutely ruined Will’s Senior Day and couldn’t have possibly cared less. I was so glad he left that Sunday.

The time following that that I cried was when my favorite uncle died. Even then, I didn’t even need a tissue to wipe the tears away — that’s how few there were. He was my mom’s oldest brother and I loved him so much, but I was still so deeply buried in hell I couldn’t cry. To be honest, I couldn’t feel the pain. I actually could not feel it.

No one should go through life not feeling anything. I dare say, no one wants to go through life not feeling anything. I came back to life in August 2013 after I moved back to Louisiana. I had been on auto-pilot from that previous November and the truth is, I was actually a zombie from April 2013 until I returned the Uhaul after that ridiculous move in August.

I’ve cried quite a bit since that time especially with the loss of my heartbeat, my mama. Crying is cleansing. There have been other reasons to cry and I’ve let it happen. I won’t ever allow myself to fall back into the hell of no emotion.

Life is about feeling. Life is about expressing those feeling.

Death By Any Other Name

Hey, y’all! I’m so happy to be back. March was a particularly hard month for me, but finally, I’m back.

Death is a part of life; I know that. At almost 50, I have lost some very important people, namely my parents. You don’t reach my age without having dealt with losing people in any number of ways — cancer, car accidents, heart attacks, etc. I’ve been the comforter of the bereaved and I’ve also been on the receiving end of that goodness. Up until March 13th, though, I had not experienced the aftermath of death by suicide.

“He’s Dead, Mama, He’s Dead!”

That day started out pleasant. My granddaughter was visiting and as usual, there were people in and out of the house all day. My nephew and a family friend had come down for lunch so the day was made even better with a little ribbing and some good laughs.

They had been gone a couple of hours when the house phone rang and as selfish as it may be for me to say this, I’m glad my sister answered. When the call came, I was working feverishly on a submission piece, but I stopped when, for the third time, she yelled, “Calm down, mister!” (My sister has called her son “mister” since he was a child.) By this time, I could actually hear him yelling and I was across the room.

The next words I heard were, “Who died? How? Jesus, no!” She then hung up and I knew I needed to give her a minute to gather herself. I also knew I needed a minute to brace myself. Everyone knows that my nephew and I are extremely close so whatever vexes his spirit will automatically tear mine apart. Finally, I asked who died and she calmly said, “His little brother, ****. He killed himself. He hung himself.” Before long, I’ll write about the rest of that day, but I’m just not ready to right now. Please understand.

The Sudden

By now, most everybody knows that I finally severed ties with the woman who had been my best friend for nearly 30 years. That friendship needed to be over in the larger sense, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be there if she needed me. I don’t believe in fake operations, but I also feel that we should be there for others regardless of the circumstance.

I found out that her ex-husband passed on March 10th. He was 48 years old. Had I not seen a post from a mutual friend extending condolences, I wouldn’t have known. As it stands, he had been gone over two weeks and she had not said a word. I wasn’t the only one who was shocked over his passing and the fact that she had not at least made others aware of it so that we could send cards and/or flowers, so I’m not alone in my anger. I will leave this alone, but I’m appalled that she didn’t even let me know.

The Inexcusable

As I said earlier, I have seen all manner of death. As of March 13th, I have now experienced nearly all manner of death in my immediate circle. Suicide is hurtful to the ones left behind. It happens for any number of reasons. We pray for the souls of those lost to it as well as the lives, minds, and hearts of those left to grieve.

Latina Verneta Herring, 35, of Florida, died on March 27th. Her death is inexcusable. It is yet another example of what happens when a woman’s cries are not taken seriously. Police told her to stop making false accusations and to stop calling 911 after they’d gone out twice. The man who killed her and her 8-year old son had even told police he was afraid he was going to do something to her. He did. He killed them.

Ms. Herring’s death is the reason that domestic violence/abuse must always be spoken about. We can’t sweep this stuff under the rug. We can’t turn a blind eye to this travesty. It won’t stop until greater efforts are made to make more people aware of the signs and to let the victims know there’s no shame in talking about it and leaving.

My Prayer

I pray for this woman’s family. I pray for the victims of domestic abuse who carry the invisible scars of mental and emotional abuse. Stay aware. Help when and where you can and should. A life just may well depend on it.

 

What’s Really Going On

Everyone knows I’m an ex-wife. I’m also that man’s first wife. One is not necessarily inclusive of the other. I am also the ex of someone who had a couple of wives before me. I snicker when I think about those titles because they each hold their own status and their own disadvantages.

The Ex-wife

I became an ex-wife on April 5, 2013. Without pomp or circumstance, I became the former Mrs. William H. Hinton, Jr. That meant I had to take the hyphen out of Trease Shine-Hinton. Deleting that hyphen not only severed our ties as man and wife, it also meant my separation from part of the union I had been in for nearly 20 years.

After the dust had settled, though, I realized that I had not asked to use my maiden name again. Legally, I am still Trease Shine Hinton. Just a heads up: if you’re getting divorced and you want to go back to your maiden name, be certain to ask if you need to formally ask to do so. The state of Texas charges $295.00 to change it after the fact so ASK! Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

Being an ex-wife carries its own little stigma. On its face, the title “ex-wife” means that the failure of a marriage has taken place. It means that for whatever reason, a marriage is over. It doesn’t matter why it failed, the title “ex-wife” means that a woman who was once someone’s life partner is no longer in that partnership. In my case, my ex even changed my name in his phone to “ex-wife”. Childish? Yeah, but hey, if that’s what floats your boat, float on.

For all the negative connotations, though, in cases like mine, the title of “ex-wife” means an incredible freedom from abuse. It’s a good, good thing. No one gets married with the forethought of getting divorced, but it happens. The 19 years of hell that I spent at Mrs. Hinton was worth every second of the pain because, from the bottom of my heart, I love the fact that I have a story to tell. I love the fact that I can speak to women from experience — not because of what I’ve heard or read — I know all of this stuff from experience. I can assure a woman that she will be okay. It won’t happen overnight, but in time, she will be okay.

The First Wife

Shortly after we got divorced, my ex and I were talking and he ended the conversation with, “Trease, you’ll always be the first Mrs. Hinton.” I will always be his first wife. He’s remarried and not one person who knows his situation believes that the woman he married is out for anything except money. She believed that he was worth so much more than he really is. I chuckle when I think about that whole scene because he tricked her the same way he tricked me yet she was determined to claim the prize. She had an issue with him talking to me about ANYTHING so I fixed that whole little problem for them — I cut the lines of communication with him. It hurt him, but the days of me showing any concern for his feelings were over many years ago. The only way he will ever hear from me again is if (God forbid) something happens to Will. He’s lied on me to his new wife so trust and believe that I’m not playing into their stupidity.

Just remember, though, that I will always be his first wife. That statement is not an “I win” kind of declaration; it’s just something to keep in mind when it comes to the property and benefits we accrued over those 19 years.

In the End

I didn’t get married to get divorced. I never expected that one day I wouldn’t be that man’s wife. Just like many other women who are trapped in abusive marriages and can’t see a way out, I was frozen in fear from so many angels. I come from a family where divorce is rare. We hang in there. God saw fit for me to live (in more ways than one) and so He set me free.

Being an ex-wife is not a bad thing in many cases. Being the first wife sometimes means a woman makes a man a better husband for the new(est) wife. It’s where you land sometimes.