After 19 years of marriage and 20 years as a couple, it took a minute for my ex and me to cut communications. On my part, it was due to the fact that Will still needed his help financially, we still had (have) a house in Denver, (will always) have a granddaughter together, and a couple of other stupid things I can’t go into here; on his part, he said it was because he couldn’t just “let go”.
I Miss You
He called one day after the divorce had been final for a couple of months, and when I said, “Hello…”, he said, “Trē, I know you’re probably tired of me calling since we’re not together anymore, but I can’t just stop calling you. I’ve talked to you almost every day for the past 20 years so I’m having trouble letting go.” I didn’t respond because, to be honest, I didn’t know what to say. Just after that, he said, “I miss you.” I was silent. Even after all he’d put me through, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but the truth was, I didn’t miss him. How could I? This was the person who had ground my emotions and mentality to mush. This was the person who had, after I’d stood by him through his drug and alcohol use, unemployment, and sickness (can’t go into that here), come in and told me that he wanted a divorce. This was the man who had left me with that big house to pack alone and $200 to get it all to Louisiana. He was telling me that he missed me.
Nah. He didn’t miss me. I’m not quite sure what he missed, but it wasn’t me. You hold on to what you know you’d miss.
He apologized so many times during our marriage that I lost count and ultimately lost concern for the apologies in general. The last time he apologized to me, though, I think he meant it. Actually, I know he did. He had come here for Mama’s funeral and on the way back from the cemetery, he told me that he was so sorry for everything he had put me through. He apologized for being such a bad husband and for not being a better role model for Will. It wasn’t his tears because I had seen (crocodile) tears from him before. Many times before. This time around, he was speaking from the heart. Of course, that apology from the heart came far, far too late, but I know he meant it.
My issue with people issuing apologies is that far too often, they don’t mean it in the sense that apologies should be issued. They’re not sorry for the act itself.
They’re sorry for a plethora of reasons, up to and including:
- you found out about what they did (in their mind, they wouldn’t need to apologize if they’d been a little slicker)
- you’re mad about what they did (how dare you be mad)
- they got caught, which leads to them…
- being mad at and really apologizing to themselves for not being slicker
- they’re just plain conditioned to saying they’re sorry
If you’re going to apologize, do it only if you mean it. If you’re doing it as yet another aspect of your tom-foolery, save everyone the trouble and just shut up.
Now, my issue with people saying they miss you is this: if you know you have a good woman or man, why in the living hell would you mistreat, misuse, neglect, reject, or otherwise mess over him or her? We’re all at an age where we know the difference between right and wrong, and unfortunately (fortunately?), most of us have experienced enough rotten people to know when we have a good one. I think that, in some cases, “miss you” is just truth in lending to the old saying, “you don’t miss your water till the well runs dry”. You know what you have when you’ve got a good one. Now, unfortunately, you know what you had.