My mama used to say that about me a lot. What she meant was that regardless of how mad or hurt I was, you wouldn’t know because initially, I just refused to let people know when they’d gotten under my skin. Later in life, no one would see it because any pain I felt was buried underneath so many layers of dead spirit that I didn’t even know it was there.
A very close friend of mine died the morning of September 10, 2009, after having been broadsided by a drunk driver the evening before. I had received an email from her shortly before she left work that evening and I’d never hear from her again. The day that I found out that she’d passed, I screamed and screamed and screamed. That wasn’t a good thing because I was recovering from the aneurysm I’d had in July. The sad thing though, is that I didn’t cry again for any reason until December 2011 when I was told that the man who had killed her was only sentenced to 12 years in prison. My heart was broken because she was out of our lives forever; he would get to go home at some point. He should have gotten life.
The next time I shed a tear was in November 2012 when that man came in and said he wanted a divorce. Y’all know the story — the tears did not flow because I was getting divorced; they fell because he had been an incredible jerk in his timing. He absolutely ruined Will’s Senior Day and couldn’t have possibly cared less. I was so glad he left that Sunday.
The time following that that I cried was when my favorite uncle died. Even then, I didn’t even need a tissue to wipe the tears away — that’s how few there were. He was my mom’s oldest brother and I loved him so much, but I was still so deeply buried in hell I couldn’t cry. To be honest, I couldn’t feel the pain. I actually could not feel it.
No one should go through life not feeling anything. I dare say, no one wants to go through life not feeling anything. I came back to life in August 2013 after I moved back to Louisiana. I had been on auto-pilot from that previous November and the truth is, I was actually a zombie from April 2013 until I returned the Uhaul after that ridiculous move in August.
I’ve cried quite a bit since that time especially with the loss of my heartbeat, my mama. Crying is cleansing. There have been other reasons to cry and I’ve let it happen. I won’t ever allow myself to fall back into the hell of no emotion.
Life is about feeling. Life is about expressing those feeling.