The old saying is, “There is no rest for the weary.” My mom used to say, “You can’t get nowhere and sit down, you got to keep goin’.” Whichever way the idea is conveyed, it’s true. You have to keep it moving.
Since I graduated college back in December 1988, I have been running. Sometimes it’s been full-throttle, sometimes I’ve been running in place. There hasn’t been a time, though, when I wasn’t moving in some manner. Well, there was that time when I was on bedrest after my aneurysm, but that really doesn’t count because that was kinda forced, but I digress. Life gets hard. It gets so hard at times that you may just want to stick your head in the sand. You might want to find the nearest cave and hide out. You can’t. Let me tell you what I mean.
Resting, but not Stopping
From the day I exchanged vows with William on October 23, 1993, to the day the gavel struck on April 5, 2013, signifying the dissolution of those 19 years of hell, I ran full speed. I don’t mean that in any sense other than the way I’m saying it — the abuse began almost immediately, but it was incredibly subtle. Since I was blessed to survive that thing, I’m able to look back and see all the red flags that were flapping in the wind like crazy. I’m sure there are people out there who still don’t know how ridiculous it is to ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?”, so I’ll go ahead and give you my blanket answer: it wasn’t time.
Anyway, there has never been a time when I wasn’t taking care of someONE or something. I never, however, took the time to take care of myself. I was tired, I was weary, and I was definitely worn.
By the time he came in and told me he wanted the divorce, there was so little of me left. I was a shell of the woman I had been at one time. I had never stopped pushing for my son, though. I didn’t stop pushing for my mother. I didn’t care a lot about myself, but I never stopped pushing for them.
Wherever you find yourself in your journey, just remember to take time for yourself. Take time to care for yourself, but never stop pushing. Life can be beautiful. It’s supposed to be beautiful. I encourage you to gather the strength you need, if for no one but yourself, to keep stepping toward your freedom. Living in an abusive situation is never, ever okay. You deserve better.