To say my emotions ran the full gamut in 2015 is the biggest understatement of the century. I experienced exuberance beyond belief and grief that left my heart bleeding profusely. Each of those experiences and incidents occurred during a year that involved the planning phase of the things I will accomplish in 2016. It’s time to execute the plan.
Everyone knows that my son and his well-being are the reasons I breathe. He was exposed to many years of fighting between his father and me, and there was damage. While he was angry about the treatment I received and the way his dad left us after the divorce, he never acted out. There was a time when he was indifferent about school and later he was indecisive about even staying in college. During that time, he considered the military. If he had gone that route, I would have been extremely proud. He chose to stay in school, though, and finally he came into his own.
He has a natural athletic ability, but due to near back-to-back ACL injuries, he didn’t get the playing time he wanted in high school. I constantly told him that he would get his chance to shine and at UAPB, he has that opportunity. He was on the field for every special teams play last season and he shined. Next season, he will dominate. He is also doing well academically. I couldn’t be prouder, but I will always, ALWAYS push him to go beyond his limits.
The Loss of My Strength
On October 24th, at 3:17 A.M., the world temporarily stopped spinning for me. My mama passed at age 85. Earlier in the year, I told my soulmate that I knew my mom wouldn’t make it through the year and sure enough, we lost her. She has been in excruciating physical pain for many, many years due to rheumatoid arthritis. The mental pain she experienced due to dementia destroyed us. We were helpless to help her.
I sat with her a few minutes after she passed and although there was a hollowness in my heart, my most immediate thought was that she was no longer in pain. As I’ve said before, my desire to see her pain-free superseded my desire to have her here in the flesh in ridiculous pain. I miss her. My heart bleeds for her. Since her burial back in October, I’ve only missed going to the cemetery three days. I miss her.
Standing By With My Hands Tied
Many people believe they have found their soulmate. I know for a fact that I’ve been blessed with mine. We’ve known each other our entire lives. My daddy cut his hair when he was a child. He and his brother often joke that everyone in this area had the same cut and this is indeed a fact, but it just goes to show how long we’ve known each other.
There is no denying that there is a physical attraction between us — it’s always been weirdly strong, but where our thing shines is the incredible bond between our minds. Where I run my mouth ALL the time, he is far more reserved. I am blessed in that he knows that he can share any- and everything with me and he does. I am his friend. He is my friend. I am able to show my true self to him without fear of him judging me. He knows for a fact that he has that same freedom with me.
He’s dealt with tremendous loss over the years that we’ve been back in each other’s lives, including the loss of his dad due to cancer and I am happy to say I’ve been there for him in the ways he’s needed me most — mentally and emotionally. There were times when I wished more than anything that I could take away his troubles, but because the things he dealt with mirror the things I went through a couple of years ago, I know that going through is the only way to make it through. He is incredibly strong. He is remarkably kind. I am blessed.
These things will happen:
- I will become certified to teach in the state of Louisiana
- I will teach elementary school in Webster, Bossier, or Caddo Parish
- I will begin work on my Master of Science in Developmental Education
- I will continue to blog in order to help other women escape situations of domestic abuse/violence
- I will complete my first book
- I will have my first home built as a single woman
Think. Plan. Execute.