After dementia took over Mama’s mind, I was blessed to have two or three days when I was in the presence of the woman she used to be. On one of those days, we started talking about my divorce and she asked me, very pointedly, whose was at fault. I remember just looking at her and saying, “Mama, it was just time for it to be over.” She, in turn, said to me, “Naw, one of y’all was at fault. One of y’all started the mess going. The other one may have finished it, but one of y’all started it.”
My mama had always been my staunchest ally before dementia set in so she was aware of the constant fighting between my ex and me, but she didn’t know about the abuse. Her question, however, made me stop and think about why folks get divorced.
The Case of Never-ending Bickering
Some marriages consist of two people who will never see eye-to-eye about anything. I mean ANYTHING! That was me and my ex. The disagreements are as consistent as the sun rising and setting every day. We would argue about everything from the benefits of wheat bread over white bread to the best brand of toothpaste. Seriously, there was always some stupid argument going on. After a while, though, I became sick and tired of the fighting and shut down, at which time, he told me that I didn’t know how to communicate. That’s another blog post, but yeah, that’s what he said.
I don’t care what your style of being is, constant bickering is never good for a relationship, especially one where children are present.
In addition to the constant bickering in my marriage, the mental and emotional abuse was staggering. I experienced everything from belittling to being offered to another man to being taken against my will. Every day, all across this planet, a woman is killedby a spouse. Every day, all across this planet, a woman dies as the result of a stroke or heart attack suffered due to the stress of an abusive marriage.
The blessed ones are those of us who escape through divorce. This is when divorce is good.
Loss of Passion and Desire
It happens. One-half of the couple just doesn’t find the other half attractive anymore. Maybe one of them gains weight. Maybe there’s anaccident that causes disfigurement.
If the cause of this loss is the result of a physical change, I have to wonder just how much real love was there in the first place because beauty is only skin-deep. Your real passion should lie in that person’s character, personality, and spirit.
Don’t get me wrong — you’re supposed to keep yourself up for your partner, but your looks shouldn’t determine the length of your marital years.
Loss of Respect
Once you lose respect for your spouse, getting it back is nearly impossible. I lost respect for my ex-husband early in our marriage, the first time I saw him blazing high on drugs and drunk out of his mind. I tried so desperately to regain the respect, but his habits along with the abuse never allowed for it. I tried. I tried really hard. It just never happened.
If you don’t respect your spouse, you will inevitably leave him or her uncovered. One of our greatest responsibilities as a spouse is to protect the other. We don’t protect that which we don’t respect.
What It All Boils Down To
Divorce sucks. It is against everything I believe in, but I know it is absolutely, positively necessary sometimes. No one wants to be any place they are not wanted or where they don’t want to be. No one, and I mean NO ONE, should stay in an abusive relationship for any reason!
No one should stay in a place where the passion and or/respect is dead and the other person wants nothing to do with you.
There’s too much living to do with the person you’re meant to be with. Trust and believe that your paths will cross at the intended time. This I know.