It seems that the NaBloPoMo prompts for July are falling right into place with the topics I plan to write about. Today’s prompt asks if I would rather be equally loved and reviled with many readers, or have a small, core group of supportive readers. I choose the former. I have a story to tell. I knew coming into this thing that I would run into opposition, disagreement and many questions, but surviving that hell would be for naught if I don’t tell it all.
The (Innocent) Bystanders
Initially, I was hesitant to write about the things that happened to me. First and foremost, I was worried about how it would affect my son. I know some of the things that happened during the 19 years I was married to his father, happened when he was very young, so I talked to him about what I planned to do. We had that talk more than once. I needed to make certain that he would be okay with me disclosing some things that I know will be embarrassing about his dad. I needed to make certain that he would be okay learning some of the things that his father had done to me before he was old enough to remember or understand. To date, I haven’t written anything without talking to him first, and that’s what I’ll continue to do, but he fully understands and supports me. His response has always been that while he loves his dad, he knows full well that his dad was wrong for the things he did and said to me.
I’m I was also concerned with what my former in-laws would think and feel. I knew that they knew his side of the story because I had never had the opportunity to tell mine. I knew that they had to make assumptions because the wall that had been built up between us was there because, again, they had only heard his side of the story and there were many fabrications. I did not become close to his niece and oldest sister until after the papers were signed and I began blogging. His niece was, not surprisingly, hurt by some of the things she read in one of my posts. The things she learned about her uncle were painful but I need to help other women. I knew that they didn’t know but, again, I cannot let my survival be for naught. I have come to be close to them and still consider them family.
I believe with all my heart that I survived those 19 years of mental and emotional abuse, that brain hemohhrage, and that divorce in order to help the next woman who is suffering inside an abusive relationship. I want my blog to circulate and penetrate every corner of the world, in hopes that it will reach a woman who is afraid to ask for help, who is too embarrassed to go to family or friends, who doesn’t know which way to turn and/or has just about given up. I want to be an example of the fact that things can and do turn around. The road to recovery is rarely easy. There will be many days when it will take everything you have just to get out of bed but you have to keep going. I’m grateful for the many friends and family members who carried me when I couldn’t carry myself. It took some time for me to open up but your strength comes from your loved ones.
I want that woman to know that she’s not alone. I want her to know that she can survive.