The best gift I have ever received came in the form of the rug being pulled from under me through divorce. When my ex came in and announced that he wanted a divorce after the longest 19 years of my life, I was happy but sad. The truth is, had he not come in and said that he wanted one, I would probably have stayed there trying hard to make that thing work. That’s what happens sometimes in cases of extensive abuse. You don’t realize the door to the cage is wide open.
I didn’t fight him. I didn’t argue with him on November 9, 2012 when he told me that he thought it would be best for both us if we let it go. I wasn’t angry that the marriage was over. I was angry that he chose that day, which was our son’s Senior Day at school, and he had decided that morning that he wasn’t going to participate in any of the planned activities for Will. That’s what made me angry.
What I did that day was strap on my boots and decide that I would fight to resurrect the woman that I had lost over the years. She was buried deep in the trench. So deep that I didn’t even recognize her.
I forgot how strong she was. I forgot that she had built a very successful career and was sought after for her people skills during the early years of her marriage. I forgot that she was educated. I forgot that she was fearless. I forgot that she was pretty. I forgot that at one time, she took very good care of herself. I forgot that at one time, she didn’t allow the fact that if she had not mastered a task, it didn’t keep her from going after what she wanted.
After some wallowing, crying, a pity party that spanned several weeks, I picked myself up, dusted all the parts off and began rebuilding. I remembered that I had started from nothing so the bottom was not new territory for me. I remembered that I ran the Hinton household like a well-oiled machine for nearly 20 years after having run my own single household for many years before that. I remembered that at one point in time, I knew without a doubt that I could do and be anything I wanted.
I recaptured all the things that were lost. I’m still rebuilding but trust and believe that my pompoms are in the air for myself these days just as much as they are for anyone else I fully support. I’m back to being the woman who was lost.
T. Shine Hinton