This year is winding down and I realize it’s been unkind to the large majority of my friends and family. Personally, I lost three of my beloved uncles. Two of my girlfriends lost their mothers. A couple of my friends lost children. Hearts have been shredded, sometimes, on purpose. People all over the place are having to rebuild and reset. Many of us have had to learn to go on without the people who held our hearts.
I have had to learn to “feel” again and while I’m not fully capable yet, I am getting there. I did not cry until the service for my Uncle Willie, although my Uncle JD passed away first. Those men were my rocks. They stood in for my father during the time I lived in San Francisco. Then, Jim Smith, who was married to my mom’s sister longer that I’ve been alive, passed away. My boyfriend lost his father. After a very courageous fight with cancer, he passed away in May. I felt my heart twisting during his service because there was nothing I could do to ease my man’s pain. There is a gentleness about him that I can’t explain. He is the epitome of what a man is supposed to be. His strength is both understated and highly pronounced. He’s everything I want and need.
What I’ve never lost is the capacity to love my child fully. I’ve watched him turn things around and finally get back on his feet. He stumbled in a major way, which caused him to have to sit out of college for a whole semester. While he lost time, he gained knowledge. He is a college student. He is a partying, fun-loving college student. He has friends that I know will be with and by him for a lifetime. He has maintained the friendships he developed when we first moved to Dallas. I continue to support him in his dreams. Whatever his goals are, I will be right there to help him achieve them. It’s been a long, painful road for him.
I have been blessed with a man who has known me pretty much all my life, so he knows who I was, who and what I turned into after many, many years of emotional abuse, and now, who I’m on my way to being. I lost a major part of who I am as a person in my effort to hold together a marriage that was never meant to be. I’ve been able to disclose things to him that I couldn’t reveal to anyone else. He has become more than the friend he started out being. What we have is a mature love. While it’s foreign to me, it is what holds me in place.
Regardless of the level of pain you may be feeling, I pray to God that you begin to feel His love and comfort. I pray that He envelopes you in peace. I can only speak to things I know about first-hand, so I can tell you, the darkness ends. It does. That doesn’t mean that it will be over tomorrow. It may take months. It may take years. Healing is personal and individual. It’s coming.