The thing that a lot of people fail to understand about divorce is that by the time the judge strikes the gavel, makes it official and the ink actually dries on the documents, that marriage has been over for a while. In most instances, it’s been over for years. That was certainly the case when the judge signed off on the dissolution of my 19 year marriage, on April 5, 2013. Except for a couple of bumps with monetary figures, my divorce was rather uneventful and was definitely uncontested. We both realized that the desire to fight for something that had died, been buried, exhumed (at least 10 times over those 19 years), and re-buried was gone. Does that mean that there was no pain? Not at all. My heart bled. There were days when I really believed my heart would explode from the sheer pain of my marriage failing. Clearly, it did not, but I will tell you that the amount of pain I felt was unreal. My friends pulled me through those days and I will forever be indebted to them for refusing to let me die in that pit.
The pain wasn’t so excruciating because the marriage itself was ending because like I said, it had been dead a long, long time. It was nearly unbearable because after trying so many times (on both our parts), it was finally clear that it was done. I knew, that day, November 9, 2012, that there would be no more William and Trease Hinton, Jr. For the longest time, I went back and forth inside my head with the reasons I had stayed when there had been such tremendous mental/emotional abuse. I struggled with the fact that perhaps people would consider me stupid because I had stuck by that man for so long. The truth is the truth – I endured more than the average woman. Am I planning to badmouth William? Absolutely not. He is my son’s father. Above all, he is my friend now. We are co-parents to one of the most splendid young adults on this planet. We now have a beautiful granddaughter and will ALWAYS square our shoulders together for their benefit.
The events leading up to our divorce are enough to constitute a book and it is indeed forthcoming. The Trease I was before my marriage played an intricate part in the losses and acceptances I experienced during those years. The Trease I became during my marriage played a vital role in my ability to survive. I come from a long line of extremely strong women, so I knew how to pull it together and make it work before I met that man, but those skills were fine-tuned, almost to a fault. The Trease that still has a few ashes to dust off in the aftermath of the whole thing still needs repairs in some areas. I’ve had to start over in virtually every area of my life, but anyone who knows me, knows that this thing is working out and that I won’t quit until I’m where I want to be.
One of the things that manifested itself is my ability to completely shut people out. I developed the ability to shut my feelings off completely, regardless of how much I may care. That seems like a contradiction but believe me when I say it happened. I’ve never been able to hide my true feelings about anything or anyone, but it bothers me that I now have the ability to block a person out of my mind, to the point that they no longer exist if they pose some threat to what I want or if I feel they will hurt me. I don’t like that. That’s part of the reason that I’ve been able to do some of the things that I’ve been doing, knowing that they’re wrong. I’m human. I’m working on reversing that thing. Do I want the old Trease back? Nope. Even if I did, there’s no way it could happen. She doesn’t exist anymore. In her place is a much stronger woman. She’s not bitter but she’s guarded. Maybe too guarded. Every single day the layers of gunk are falling off. Just keep watching. Everything will fall into place.