All my life, I’ve been a fighter. According to my mother, I sat up, crawled, walked and did many other things well before my time. That fighting spirit has carried me through many, many obstacles and just recently, I discovered the fighter in me was down on the mat. While she may have been down on the mat, she wasn’t down for the count; in fact, she’s on her way out of the corner – and she’s coming back swinging!
For many years, like many other women, I fell into the pattern of taking care of LOTS of other people (including some people who should have grown up many, many years ago), and failed to see what was happening to me. I took my eyes off myself. I’ve never been the type of person to consider herself “hot” but I do know that I am pretty. I have been called everything from stunning to beautiful and everything in between, so I know I have to look pretty good. My reason for bringing this up is because while I was so busy taking care of everyone, I let myself go. It’s not a pretty sight, but I’m correcting it. I am gaining control over my weight, which has been a huge point of contention for me. I am doing better with my hair and my makeup. I’m actually pretty pleased with my progress but there will be stopping this time around.
The biggest areas that I am regained control over are my emotional state and my mental state. Nothing in this world is more important than self-love. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO TRULY LOVE SOMEONE ELSE AND THEY MOST CERTAINLY CAN’T LOVE YOU PROPERLY, IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!! It’s taken me years to understand this because while I haven’t shown myself love, I haven’t missed a beat with my family, especially my son. As any mother will tell you, there is no stronger love than that between a mother and child. I have always and WILL always smother Will with love but I’ve learned that I must love myself with the same intensity that I love him. People will take advantage of you if you don’t. I know this for a fact. The initial step that I’ve taken to learn to love myself is to attend counseling. For years (I mean YEARS), I fought, tooth-and-nail against going to traditional counseling and have instead started attending counseling at my church.
I’ve always been the person that everyone comes to with their problems, but I’ve NEVER (EVER) opened up to anyone and, lo and behold, it finally caught up with me. I fell into a kind of functioning depression but I’m clawing my way out. Everyone who knows me knows that I have a good sense of humor and somehow, someway, I will make you laugh! That’s just me and it always will be. I am also a great listener. In the end, I will be able to use these, along with my other strengths to continue to help others, and I will focus on women and children. My first priority is myself right now and my complete healing from years of heartbreak, disappointment, and pain. Boundaries are about to be drawn and unfortunately, some people will be left outside those boundaries. It will be good for me because I no longer choose to use my fighting spirit to fight foolishness that is not necessary. For the longest time, I considered counseling to be for weak people but nothing about it shows weakness. As a matter of fact, as someone who has spent an unnecessary number of years “handling” things, I would highly recommend that you get help if you need. In the end, you will come to discover that you can’t be good to and for anybody if you are not good to yourself. You will have nothing left. You will become empty and eventually believe that you are unloved. While that may not be true, the first person to show YOU unconditional love is YOU!!