I’ve reached an age where there is no more time to waste. This year, God willing, I will be 44 years old. In many respects, that is still very young, but in so many more, it is far from young. I fully expect another 40+ years of excellent living but in many areas, I will live these next 40 far differently than I lived the last 40.
I’ve spent the last 5+ years at home with my son, and the time has come for me to reclaim my independence in this world. I would not trade those years with my son for anything in this world because I believe that he is growing into an awesome man. For the most part, he is mild-mannered, well-mannered and has an incredible sense of humor. His grades have improved greatly. There is always room for improvement, but that fact will always remain, and not just in his studies.
For the first time in my entire life, I will focus on myself. Don’t get me wrong, I will ALWAYS take care of my son, my husband and my extended family as best I can, but I will grant myself the same love, attention, affection, empathy, and time that I give to others. In all honestly, just recently, I took a long, long look in the mirror and was not happy with what I saw. Not at all. It wasn’t just one of those passing glances to check my hair and makeup. It was a look that I should have taken many years ago. I have spent so much time focusing on other people, circumstances and situations that I failed to see what I had become (I realize that I’m stating that in the past tense, but that’s where it belongs). Over these years, I have put on weight that really disturbs me but I know that I can get that under control. It will take incredible determination, which is something I won’t address right now.
As many people know, I began my pursuit of a teaching certificate last year. What many don’t know is that I allowed some of the very same circumstances that have distracted me so many times before to derail those plans before they could really get off the ground. I should have begun the program in September 2010, but because I took my eye off the goal, I dropped one of the two classes I needed in order to begin the core classes. I truly feel that teaching is my calling so I have enrolled in a Texas History class and will begin my studies on January 24th. I will take the U.S. History class over the summer. At that rate, I will begin the actual program in September 2011. With that start date, I will complete the program in time to begin teaching when classes convene in the fall of 2012. There is no time for procrastination. I must prepare for my future.
Regarding Mary Kay, I won’t abandon it. I will, however, tone it down to be my part-time work, once it is an established business. There is something about helping other women find themselves that makes me want to continue my quest with the company. Ironically, a discussion with one my directors the other day made me realize just how much I need to focus some of that help on myself. My entire life, I’ve been told that I’m beautiful by outsiders. The saddest thing is that I was never told that in my childhood by anyone who should have told me, and the lack of that fact has taken a horrible toll on my self-esteem. That, my friends, is another post in itself. I am going to work on myself and become exactly what I want to be, physically. Emotionally and mentally, I will work tirelessly to repair the damage that I’ve endured.
My entire life is under reconstruction. I won’t be in the same position I’m in right now, this time next year. That is a promise. Not to any of you, but to myself.