Last year, I nearly lost my life to a brain hemorrhage. I think back to all the times Dr. Denning visited me and all the other specialists who visited my bedside in hopes of finding out the reason I was there in ICU. The one question that came from each of them at every single visit was, “Are you under stress at home?” I repeatedly said no, because unfortunately, I had grown so accustomed to “dealing with” everything. Looking back, I believe, with all my heart that stress is what put me there.
My recovery has taken some time because there have been bouts of stress that were totally unnecessary. I vow to myself, my son and most importantly, to God that I will live differently.
The entire problem rests on the fact that I have ALWAYS tried to be someone I’m not. Honestly, I can’t say that’s the entire problem because there are so many layers involved in the “Trease” I am today. I’ve always been so concerned with what people think of me and how they will react to the things I do and the way I am that I’ve never truly enjoyed life. That problem goes all the way back to my childhood and the lack of an identity. I was the only Black kid in my class off and on for many years and was never “taught” be be proud of heritage. Instead, I was taunted and picked at. I was always told by my mother that, “You can’t do like them White folks.”. I took this to heart and believed that I was never as good as the rest of the kids. Unfortunately, that mindset followed(s) me everywhere and in everything I did.
I believe that ingrained thought pattern caused me to miss out on many, many things. In turn, when I failed at ANYTHING, I would become angry, find someone to blame and continue in that vicious circle. I have failed in so many areas of my life because I just wasn’t in the right mindset. I have lost very good-paying jobs because I would become angry and allow my “you’re not getting over on me” stance to let me walk away instead of sticking around and truly being an adult. Not good!!
My promise to myself is that I find out who I am and what I’m meant to be. I’ve lost quiet a lot of years being stuck in a horrible, horrible place but I’ve vacated that area. My life will be different and I will be the person I want to be.